


Advent or: Mind and Body

by LucyInTheSkye



Series: Sirius x Remus [44]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Body Image, Dissociation, Explicit Consent, Hurt/Comfort, Kink Exploration, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mild Painplay, Nipple Play, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:47:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25535329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucyInTheSkye/pseuds/LucyInTheSkye
Summary: July 1980. Another instalment of the Remus monologues.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Sirius x Remus [44]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1483745
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	Advent or: Mind and Body

Remus was pleasurably hidden underneath the blankets. It was pleasurable not just because he was hidden away, but also because Sirius was in there with him, sharing the limited air between the sheets, plastered to Remus’s body. Mostly on top.

Remus felt safe and comfortably warm like this and Sirius was sweating from the heat. This wasn’t much of a drawback as far as Remus was concerned, at least it wasn’t when he managed to sneak a heady whiff from underneath his lover’s long black hair, stick his nose into an arched alabaster neck. It smelt like home.

“Let’s get some air,” Sirius whispered into his ear. His hands were massaging away on Remus’s hips and lower back, thumbs digging into mildly achy clusters of nerves underneath his hip joints. 

“Just our heads,” Remus breathed back, spreading his legs a little bit more for maximum comfort. Sirius fit so well between them. Sirius’s face appeared in front of him, his eyes an expensive grey glitter and his hair tumbling down exquisite features and teasing Remus’s forehead. There was a bead of sweat forming at the end of Sirius’s handsome nose and Remus smiled, first, then hesitantly licked it off. 

“You’re so bloody sexy,” Sirius said with a groan, mouth descending on Remus’s and one hand moving up and pulling down the top blanket. Remus closed his eyes and enjoyed the kiss; cool morning air hitting the flushed skin on his cheeks and shoulders, even his nipples. They stiffened further and Remus wondered vaguely when their heads had started to work in sync.

“These are pretty today,” Sirius explained against his mouth, hands having migrated up Remus’s chest, thumbs and index fingers now leisurely rolling Remus’s nipples between them. “Want me to suck on them?”

Remus’s body ground up against him, craving, craving, but Remus’s mind was quick to overrule. Deflect.

“You might on this instead?”

Remus wrangled his arm in between their bodies, Sirius lifting his midsection to ease the process, but once his erection was at hand, Remus found that he didn’t quite fancy touching it himself after all. 

“Massive morning wood,” Sirius said, and Remus, hand twitching on his freckled belly, lapped up the contentment and pride in his lover’s voice. It was incredibly soothing, especially paired with the way Sirius’s eyes were growing soft and sweet, the way they never did for anyone else. Maybe for Lily’s baby bump, but not for anyone else, not for anyone who was a real person yet. Remus grabbed his arms, felt the strong muscle inside. Felt that particular starvation, that possessiveness that wouldn’t die down completely, not even in bed with his lover, carrying the sole invitation to his own private all-you-can-eat buffet. 

“Want me to kiss your dickhead?” Sirius asked quietly, voice oozing sex appeal that coated Remus, so hot on his skin he felt like he was dipping into warm honey, making his hips gyrate and his grip on Sirius tighten. “My slutty mouth making love to your cock, your balls. We’ll make them fit all inside, yeah? You’ll fill me so well.”

Sirius laughed next, and Remus realized belatedly that he got no more dirty talk because he was pushing Sirius down by his head and his arm, making his lover crawl backwards down his body to where his mouth was needed. Remus needed it so badly.

“Beautiful cock you’ve got, Remus.”

Remus whined in response, hips with a life of their own. Body mostly exposed, sheet around his legs. Sirius winked at him and held his penis in hand with the tip almost touching his mouth. Sirius’s eyes left Remus’s face and appeared to get lost in what he was holding. It was fascinating for Remus, too, how his lover got so immersed in this. His hips, aided by Sirius’s free hand, were moving slower and more sensually now. Sirius’s other hand felt so good around Remus, embracing his girth so well. Loving, caressing palm and fingers and Remus was throbbing, hotblooded, needing all the touch. His prickhead was bathing in opaque liquid. 

Sirius met Remus’s eyes again, passionate enough that Remus almost missed the teasing smirk buried deeper still, all-encompassing just like his love.

“Just – mm, just the tip,” Remus got out, furiously biting his lip and almost losing his senses when Sirius kissed him there. Plush lips giving a light peck, then a lingering one, eventually coming away sticky and glossy. “Again,” Remus whispered, sounding strangled even though Sirius’s grip on him was light. 

Sirius stared deeply into his eyes and kissed him again, mouth opening this time with a soft pull. Remus’s dickhead fit so well in there, looked just right with Sirius’s lips around it, suckling and suckling.

“Please – I need…” Remus was losing it, his hips were not so much thrusting as shaking, and Sirius was wrapping his free arm around his bum, holding him close, sucking a bit more into his mouth and then…

“Sirius!” Remus groaned, euphoria and anguish rivals or maybe partners in crime, crowding his head while his body descended into madness, prick spurting white-hot agitation and relief. 

Sirius made a pleased noise, then swallowed loudly which made Remus shudder and place a hand in Sirius’s hair. He wanted to rip him away, kiss him thank you, shake him, demand he show him his dirty, come-stained mouth. Instead he pushed his lover back down, made him take all of his half-hard length, whimpered when his sensitive head hit the back of Sirius’s throat. 

“Again, please just, just hold me.”

Sirius made to shush him, produced vibrations that skimmed all over Remus’s sensitive bits. They held each other, Sirius held his bum and Remus held his head. 

Sirius’s lips and tongue were kind at first and just let him be. Remus’s refractory period was rarely measured in more than seconds, but he found himself enjoying the feeling of being kept warm and wet in his lover’s calming mouth so much that he didn’t wish to move. Kept safe. Then Sirius began teasing him, tongue tracing imaginary paths along his hardening shaft.

“You love that, don’t you? To clean me up?” Remus couldn’t help but ask; he still felt like he was flying but he was also growing more and more aroused, increasingly eager to see Sirius deal with his second release. Sirius hummed, then sucked. Remus contemplated the lights exploding from underneath closed eyelids.

“I need -” Remus began, voice hoarse and prickhead sparring with Sirius’s gag reflex, “I need…”

Sirius choked, almost vomited from the sound of it, but now Remus was deep, deep inside…

“I need,” Remus repeated, swallowed in sync, his hand no longer in Sirius’s hair, in fact both his hands were moving over his own skinny body, “I -”

He didn’t know, and he definitely didn’t know what he was doing. Almost coming down Sirius’s throat, sure, but why were his hands…

“Mmm…” he got out, brain sending ecstatic signals when he touched his nipples, pinched them, then rolled his thumbs…

Sirius was suddenly sucking with a lot less finesse, eyes on Remus’s fingers.

“Oh,” Remus whispered, releasing himself like he had burnt his fingers. He never touched himself there, it wasn’t alright to, not unless Sirius did it for him. They weren’t normal, the way he reacted, it wasn’t quite… No man, no human... Just like his scar, the memento left by Fenrir Greyback fifteen years ago, it was just something he mustn’t touch himself. It wasn’t right to, not for him. Sirius could, of course, Sirius could make any touch feel good, but Remus…

Their eyes met and Remus was blushing furiously, his lips trembling. Sirius let his prick slide out of his mouth with a wet ‘pop’. Not handsome and well-proportioned like Sirius’s. No, impractically long and thick and heavy, prominent veins and loose foreskin. A bit monstrous, yet another part of him that wasn’t... It wasn’t as bad, though. Between his legs, it wasn’t quite as shameful as his yearning, pebbled, pink… Nor the long gashes up his hip, more white than pink now, showing where he had been brutalized. Taken advantage of. Ruined, he always thought, although, maybe…

“I need you,” Remus confessed brokenly, realizing all the same that it wasn’t as bad as it had been a year ago. His brains weren’t as bad. Mind and body, always separate. Wolf. Not as bad as he used to be. Maybe he wasn’t completely ruined after all.

Sirius probably was reading his mind, Remus thought, because he was brazenly lowering his handsome head to Remus’s hip, pressing soft lips to uneven, unfeeling scar tissue. Following the deepest, most jagged of the grooves with his tongue, coating it in saliva just like Remus’s prick. Meeting Remus’s eyes head-on as he moved, gaze brave. Uncut diamonds.

Remus hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until Sirius was kissing his way up his gaunt ribcage. He shuddered, but now he was gasping for air again and Sirius was watching him, gaze unchanged by the horrors he had just revisited. Sirius’s palm caressed Remus’s belly, a belly that used to be so thin it turned concave when he laid on his back. Remus got flustered when he realized that it was just flat and smooth now, as well as offensively freckled, and then he blushed when Sirius moved his mouth to it, gave it a praising kiss. Steady eye contact. 

“My beautiful Moony,” Sirius said quietly, unflinchingly meeting Remus’s eyes, forcing Remus to not look away even though he surely couldn’t take it. “I need you too. I need you to lie here with me and relax for me and I need you to let me kiss you and touch you.”

Remus nodded, sensing immediately that he was required to indicate consent, even if he hadn’t dreamt of revoking the previous yesyesyespleases. Sirius needed confirmation, sometimes. Remus could feel his body melting, the heat of Sirius an attributing factor, but mostly it was just instinct: his body greeting the person who took care of it. Kept it whole and safe when Remus couldn’t. Gave it endless pleasure when Remus wouldn’t.

“I love you,” Sirius whispered, he was mouthing over Remus’s heart and Remus had to strain his neck to keep eye contact. It was worth it. “Every inch. Every last freckle. Even the weird hairs that grow on your big toes. The fuck is up with that, anyway?”

Something shattered and then Remus was laughing hysterically, feeling Sirius smile against his skin, his arms wrapping tightly around Remus’s waist. He laughed and laughed, then hiccoughed and almost blew snot out of his nostrils. Sirius pressed a final kiss to the middle of his chest before he moved all the way up, hair falling into Remus’s face and their noses bumping together.

“I love you too.”

Sirius bestowed him with a kiss, lips careful at first, although not very innocent. Remus was becoming increasingly sure that this was not a mouth that could do anything innocently. To be fair Remus wasn’t much better, not with how he immediately opened up for tongue. Sirius’s mouth tasted of Remus’s come and Remus’s skin and Remus’s sweat. 

Moans escalating, panting breaths meeting between mouths, tongues caressing…

“Mmm…”

Sirius stroked a palm over Remus’s chest, not over just his heart like before but decidedly to feel his nipples. Remus’s moans grew embarrassingly in volume and despite his shamefully lowered lashes and obnoxiously heated cheeks he could tell that Sirius was grinning teasingly at him.

“Yeah, I thought so.”

Remus wanted to slap him, only his body was arching into the most welcome touch. His legs were spread wide again, there really had been no conscious input there, just Remus’s body taking matters into its own hands. He was rock hard again; that sad, wilted erection long forgotten by his body if not his mind.

Sirius lowered his head, kissed down the column of Remus’s throat. Took his time with it, but Remus couldn’t focus because there were fingers playing with his nipples. They were on fire. He stared blankly up at the ceiling, painted gold by Sirius just a few days ago. He’d missed a bit in the corner.

Mouth on his nipple and Remus succumbed to it. It was all going straight to his dick; the thumb rubbing leisurely over his stiff left nipple and the lips pursing tightly over his right, wrapping around it, sucking it in… Long, glorious, everlasting. Hand in hand again and Remus pressed it once before he died and came back to life.

“You’re being so good, love,” Sirius explained over his moans, over the splatter of Remus’s come hitting his body, “no reason to feel bad when you can feel good, hmm?”

Remus pushed Sirius’s head back down, made him suck, tried to get him to use his teeth although that was an exercise in futility. He was still shaking from his orgasm, rubbing his thrumming prick into his boyfriend’s body, rubbing his whole body against him. Gripping Sirius’s hand like a lifeline. Sirius gave his left nipple a kiss, the right one a slow, increasingly hard pinch which resulted in another, pitiful spurt of come, in Remus groaning with oversensitivity, with exhaustion, with his animal need for more, more, more.

“We’ll give you more, don’t worry,” Sirius told his chest, licking a broad stripe in between his meagre, sharply flexing pecs, “you can have as much as you like.”

Remus’s body began relaxing back into the safety of sweat-wrinkled sheets, back into the safety of his lover’s strong arms when they encircled him. Sirius rearranged his body a little, made him lie straight and more comfortably. He hadn’t realized he had been trying to climb his lover while he came, body too desperate for words.

“Should I make you some tea?” Sirius asked, hand gently petting Remus’s limp, wet cock. It reacted immediately.

“More,” Remus whispered pathetically, although Sirius smiled as though he was being cute rather than pathetic. He felt warmth blossom inside, not just in his spent prick and in his cheeks, but inside his ribcage too.

“You’re getting more, I was just considering your fluid situation. You’ll start coming dry after one or two more, right?”

“Right,” Remus agreed, he hadn’t really kept count. His body, along with the beast that shared his body with him, were so greedy for this, for pleasure. For Sirius to take care of them. Remus had no upper limit; his body would continue responding to Sirius. Would do anything Sirius asked of it.

“Could just do water, I suppose.”

Remus whined when Sirius removed his hand from his chest, and Sirius laughed again, like he was still being adorable and not a nuisance. Sirius’s hand came back with his wand. Staring deeply into each other’s eyes, Sirius placed the tip of it on Remus’s bottom lip. Remus blushed with embarrassment, reminded of the shameful things he had done, but his lips were parting and Sirius was mumbling praise for him, making his body not just ease up but actually luxuriate in the loving words and gaze. Sirius wrapped his other hand like a cushion underneath Remus’s head, lifting him a little.

“Aguamenti.”

Remus sucked on the wand tip, still mortified but his body was loving this. Sirius was too, he was looking nothing short of enthralled, eyes following Remus’s lips and bulging cheeks and then meeting his eyes, smiling and calming him down. Water was good, Remus decided, and now that this was happening he could tell that he was thirsty. The water poured into his mouth in little more than a trickle, Sirius making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed, but it did mean that he sucked and sucked on the bit of magical wood in his mouth, and he couldn’t help but think about how that must look to Sirius. 

“I’m getting hard,” Sirius told him, and Remus spluttered. The spell was ended, the wand removed, and Sirius licked up what little had dribbled down his chin. 

Sirius sat up on him and Remus stared with a mixture of jealousy and utter contentment at what was before him. Sirius’s shoulders were broad and filled with muscle, skin creamy white and unmarred by anything he hadn’t put there himself, beautiful new six-pack leading to his hard, pink cock. Remus’s come had made a mess in places, Remus could barely see the tattoo with his name which was situated beside his hip. Hope’s ring glittering on his finger. Sirius was pouring water down his own throat at a dangerous pace, gulping desperately, throat extended, head thrown back and so, so beautiful. Remus’s stomach swooped while he watched, water cascading down Sirius’s body and he stopped the spell with a giddy bark of laughter. Remus swiped some water and the drying come away from over the tattoo and raised a weak arm up. Sirius took it warmly by the wrist and sucked his thumb into his mouth. More eye-contact and Remus was swooning, soft, insistent sucking on his thumb. His nipples throbbed, remembering, and his cock was filling out next to its partner, growing obscenely large and still sticky with its own spend. 

Sirius was smiling just for him, maybe even because of him. Kissing his thumb, letting it push against his bottom lip while he spoke.

“How about the clamps today?”

“Mmm,” Remus said, nodding timidly and with his cock deciding that those words were what it needed to get to full capacity. Fully erect and leaking.

“Nothing to be ashamed of, yeah love? You’re allowed to feel good.”

 _Easy for you to say_ , was what Remus would have responded with, but his brain was too muddled for speech. His body apparently felt he was in safe enough hands for him to lose significant amounts of his agency. Then again, if Remus had kept his wits, he would never have allowed himself this. He could see why his body had decided to overrule him.

Sirius flicked his wand and there was a thump of a lid and a metallic rattle and then a chain came flying towards them.

“Ticklish baby,” Sirius grinned, which was unfair, Remus thought, while he squirmed underneath Sirius, between Sirius’s legs. Sirius was dragging the chain over and over Remus’s belly and chest, even along his cock. It was cold, icy on hot skin, and of course extremely arousing in a wrong, bad way. It did eventually warm up from the skin contact.

“Want me to put them on you?” 

Remus nodded agitatedly. More consent. All the consent. Sirius appeared to be checking how tight the little screws at the side were, frowning at them. Remus whined.

“I know you like them tight, but maybe today isn’t…” Sirius’s voice died in his throat, and Remus could see that he was trying to smile comfortingly over the worried depths in his stunning grey eyes. “You might bruise a little, but we’ll put some healing crème on them later, yeah? And I’ve got my spell if you’ll let me use it.”

“Mmm.”

Sirius nodded, then shrugged his elegant shoulders, a bit like a high pedigree dog ridding itself of bad things, of water, yet not quite.

“So sweet, aren’t they?”

Sirius held the nipple clamps in one hand and touched Remus’s pert, pink nipples with the other. One, two.

“Gorgeous.”

It was building in him already, each touch to his nipples sent powerful currents of pleasure to his prick, made his balls draw up tighter and tighter. Ready. Remus wished he didn’t work like this.

“There’s one,” Sirius whispered, bending down, hair tickling Remus. He could feel the movement on his chest, then the sharp pinch, the realization that he was caught. A sting of pain and then waves of incredibly potent pleasure.

“Coming already, my pretty little petal?”

Sirius cradled his neck again, left the chain in a heap on his chest and wrapped his other hand around Remus’s pulsating cock. Remus sobbed and let himself be held, mouthed and slobbered over Sirius’s face until he found his lips. Hot, warm mouth and a tongue to suck on. Sirius was massaging his whole length and his orgasm was stretching thin, everything felt like breaking. He broke with another sob, body spasming then going lax.

“Extra sensitive today, aren’t you?”

Remus had no words; he was barely functioning at all. His hands were cramping around Sirius’s shoulders, holding himself suspended.

“Precious,” Sirius said fondly. “Need the other one? Bet you do.”

Remus nodded. The first one was lost in numbness, but once Sirius released his prick and took hold of the other end of the chain there was a ripping sensation. More stinging, absolute pain and so much pleasure. Remus wanted to black out but then Sirius’s face came back into focus, brilliant eyes filled with love.

“There we are, sweetheart.”

Remus let himself be eased back down onto the sheets and kissed, slowly yet deeply. Sirius’s chest occasionally brushed his, catching his clamped nipples. Too much of everything. Sirius held his hand in one of his and combed the other through his sweaty hair. It was exquisite.

“Can I give you a rimjob?”

Another instance of complete disconnect between mind and body. Obviously, Remus knew how good that felt, knew also that Sirius didn’t mind giving at all. That he didn’t find it shameful, that he actually got off on it. Still, that act was about as degrading as it got. Subhuman.

He nodded, shook his head, nodded again and his legs were straining apart, made him look like a ridiculously unskilled yoga practitioner. Sirius had put a hand there, a hand underneath his heavy, lightly haired bollocks, thumb caressing just between balls and arsehole where he was almost as sensitive as he was on his chest, on his cock. Where one wrong move might make him climax inexplicably, just like that. Not inexplicable, not really. Sirius was the explanation for most things in Remus’s life.

“Yes or no?”

“Yeah.”

“Good boy.”

Remus shivered, feeling small and big, his own head trying to tear him down, Sirius trying to lift him up, lift him out of himself it felt like. He felt too much.

“I love you,” said uselessly, because that was another way to explain things. He shouldn’t be allowed to love something so beautiful, someone so human, but Sirius had kept him safe and warm in his bed for over a year now. Fed him chocolate and kisses. He had forgotten how to function on his own. Maybe had never known how to in the first place.

“You’re going a bit loopy, love, sure we shouldn’t take a break? We could play with the ducks in the bath?”

“More,” Remus croaked, cock heavy with blood, arsehole clenching around thin air and great expectations, nipples swollen and numb and so pleasurably hurt he might just need to have a good cry about it later. “You’ll lick up my tears.”

“Yep. I’ll lick up all and any liquid you give me,” Sirius said, voice turning very teasing indeed, and Remus’s brain went from empty to acutely embarrassed. His arousal certainly didn’t go away. “Want to be on your back or front? All fours to make your chain swing?”

Remus’s movement was sluggish, but he needed to get on his hands and knees. He recognized that Sirius was accommodating him yet again, recognized that Sirius would have preferred him on his back where the nipple clamps would do minimal damage. He would bruise positioned like this, which was what Remus loved and Sirius hated. 

It felt so good, though.

“Mmm,” was all he got out after that, words finally deserting him completely. Gravity took hold of the chain and pulled it down, the clamps biting into his poor nipples and stretching them, ripping them down. Remus’s arms shook, his bum up in the air, legs spread wide. On display. He couldn’t understand how anyone could want this view for anything other than to humiliate and hurt, but there Sirius was, cradling his balls and his big fat cock, kissing the sensitive skin on his arse that was close to his cleft. Kissing it like he loved it, like he could love it all. 

“You’re so sweet, babe. So attractive.”

Remus shook, his head shook too, his chest ached. He got down on his elbows; the middle of the chain resting on the bed, his pink nubs burned. Steadying himself in the nick of time, because once Sirius stopped talking he put his mouth right on Remus’s vile, shameful centre. Kissed it with tongue and adoration. It made no sense, but it was the best feeling there was. Truly intimate. Remus could feel a huge glob of precum stretch down from his dickhead like another chain. It broke when Sirius’s hand rubbed up his length, gentle caress, fingers following hideously bulging veins. His other hand cupped his testicles, held them warm and snug, massaged a little with soft pads of fingers. He would have been allowed to slap them and tug on them until Remus was crying with pain. Heavenly soft caresses.

Resistance was useless as always; Remus’s hole had relaxed within the first minute and Sirius could get his tongue inside. Hot and wet, massaging as well as his hands could, coaxing Remus’s sphincter to relax. Let loose. It would be loose enough for anything Sirius might want to stuff him with. Tongue, fingers, cock, fist. Probably could shove his foot in there, really tear Remus down and show him how sordid his body was. Absolutely divine, the ways of his tongue. Shallow, gentle penetration, lapping against the sensitive, vulnerable nerve endings just inside his rim. Easing himself out, kissing the outside. Lingering, loving.

“You taste so good, sweetheart. You’ve got the prettiest little hole I’ve ever seen. Pink and responsive all over. I love kissing you there, can’t get enough.”

Remus sniffled into a pillow. He was numb but thawing. Words thawed him. Nipples throbbed and he could just imagine how good Sirius would be to them, after. Once he was good and hurt he would be taken care of. Once he said he’d had enough he would be put to rest wrapped in warm, muscular arms.

“Bet your hole sees more tongue-action than a cat’s bollocks.”

More kisses. Rhythmic massages on both cock and balls. Handful in each, Sirius’s handsome, big strong hands shaping themselves just for him. His orgasm was building, a different type this time. Not sharp and desperate, but something huge and powerful. If Sirius had used a finger on his prostate or rubbed a bit harder on his dick or let go of his balls and tugged on the chain connecting his nipples he would have come hard and fast without preamble. They weren’t doing that, though, they were building something together. Higher and higher, Remus was getting dizzy. His eyes and nose were leaking a bit, but not badly. His cock was leaking really badly, pearls of opalescent precum dripping slick and gross over Remus’s shaft, over Sirius’s beautiful fingers. Sirius liked him messy, liked the gross aspects of sex. Liked the things Remus found humiliating.

He was vaguely aware of producing a confused, helpless noise, low in his throat. Sirius’s thumb was rubbing enticingly just underneath his cockhead, the other on his perineum, and that was the last straw. Pure bliss after, body coiling and spasming but he wasn’t much aware. Eyesight went, rushing noise and ‘god you’re so beautiful I love you forever’ filling his ears, his nose sensed sweat and come and Sirius’s French muggle cologne. Felt too much and nothing at all. Wet hole and toes curled.

“You’re so precious, aren’t you? You made so much come for me, Remus, fucking filled my hand with spunk. Tasted so good, I got it all over my mouth and my… I love you so much.”

Remus let himself be lifted, to be seated securely yet spread wide in Sirius’s lap. Could tell that Sirius had lathered his own prick in Remus’s spend. 

“You can take me,” Remus said, voice brittle. He hadn’t broken, though, his body was in one piece. Face to face again, Sirius was watching his nipples with mournful eyes, and Remus couldn’t look down to see it for himself. Pain, pure pain right now, but he thought they could turn it into pleasure again if they tried. And Sirius should have him. Take him. Take what was surely his. Remus’s body had decided that a long, long time ago.

“Can I take these off, first?”

“If you promise me you’ll pinch them while you fuck me.”

Remus rarely used crude words. He needed more, though. He seldom got pain with Sirius and now he needed to capitalize on it.

Sirius’s finger nudged the left one and Remus shuddered. His eyes tore up and he couldn’t help it. He listened to the soothing mumbles in his ears, felt soft lips on him. The clamp was opened swiftly and gently, but it left something wickedly fierce behind. Tears pouring down his cheeks lapped up by a soft tongue. Thumb rubbing on the side of his nipple, not touching it, but the movement had his body and his conscience in its grip. 

“And the other one,” Sirius continued, voice sad and upset yet patient in a way that it hadn’t been when they were younger. He hadn’t compromised when he was younger, either.

Release. 

“You’ve been so good, babe. You’ve got a perfect little body. We’ll make love to it now, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He should have felt numb and empty, after. Come down. Dropped down. Sirius had told him once that he couldn’t live with himself if he hurt Remus this way.

“I’ve got you,” Sirius whispered in his ear, hand cupping his heart, hand holding Remus’s hand. Knitted together. Tied together. “I’ve got you.”

Sirius had gone mostly flaccid; Remus could feel the tender little weight against his groin. It might have helped him, but Remus didn’t know how to explain that this was what consent meant to him. Remus would have let him go in dry. Would have liked it, because he had masochistic tendencies no matter how hard they tried to circumvent them.

Kisses that healed all ailment, all that parted them. Built bridges, fused strong foundations, meant their fantasies could walk on air between them.

“You’re so relaxed, precious,” Sirius breathed into his neck. Remus’s heart was thumping, pressed into Sirius’s much stronger, much more handsome chest. Sirius had lube on his fingers, one inside, one excruciatingly slow as it caressed the tiny wrinkles and grooves around his rim. Taking his time with something that was already thoroughly prepared. Remus couldn’t move, because his nipples felt like they might crumble to ash at the slightest provocation. Any movement would have been torture.

How his body still remained relaxed was answered by six letters. Or four.

“That’s three fingers,” Sirius said softly, sliding them in and out with ease. Remus set about imagining his whole fist, how he would stretch… “Bit more lube, yeah sweetheart? You feel so good around my fingers. Warm and healthy.”

Remus’s body preened, faced with compliments it understood. Healthy. Sirius was there to make sure. Cared that nothing got spoiled. Nothing more would get damaged as long as he was there, keeping watch. He kept sure that everything remained functional. Tinkered away until maybe, one day, they would feel whole again. Be one again. Mind and body.

“Shh now, you’ll get them back. You can have more.”

Remus stopped whining, then sighed contentedly when three fingers reappeared, slippery with more lube, petting him from the inside. He squeezed around them and listened to his lover moan. Felt his lover begin to harden against him. Mission accomplished.

"Take me."

“Want to put lube on my dick?”

Remus didn’t want to, would prefer to feel as much as possible. Too much. He dutifully grasped for the bottle beside them on the bed, shifted to get it open. Sirius took advantage and dealt divine little kisses up his neck, up to his ear. Working on the thinnest skin he had, three fingers deep and still only teasing right underneath his prostate. 

Remus wrapped a clumsy, slippery hand around his lover. It pulsed for him and Sirius made an agreeable noise into his throat. Made him shiver and feel good, despite what he was doing. Lubing up a come-stained dick that was about to fuck him.

“It looks nice,” Remus slurred, ending the derail in his mind by the usual method. No matter how shameful penises were, no matter how shameful it was to touch another man’s; this one was rather pretty. This one was his. Theirs. Sirius’s.

“Feels good when you touch it. You’re so good at making me hard.”

Remus’s mind instinctively looked for a way to undermine the words, but his body warmed with pleasure, with pride, Sirius mouthing over his jugular and his palm steadying on Remus’s waist. Sirius was completely firm in his hand, now. Pleasantly girthy and long enough to work its magic on his prostate. His to use.

“That’s it babe, that’s all for you. You’re so, so beautiful, you know.”

Remus didn’t know how his lover could talk in these situations; even if Remus had managed to find his words by now he was still panting and shuddering while sinking down, easing Sirius into himself. Slick and smooth and so very fulfilling. Just right.

“So hot and tight, Remus.”

Remus kissed him, firmly seated. Full. Sirius’s mouth wet and sexy and his hands groping and massaging Remus’s behind. Hands full. No pain, just pleasure. Unless…

Remus broke the kiss, watching Sirius’s spit-slick lips. Pushed him backward, down onto his elbows, blushed because he rarely made demands in this way. 

“What a stunning man you are.”

Remus trembled, watched the flawless display of velvety skin and bulging muscle lying beneath him. Sirius caressed his thighs and hips, his waist. Stroked the back of his hand over Remus’s jumpy, nervous belly. Moves delicate and worshipful in ways that were difficult to misinterpret. His eyes helped too, always with that molten silver look. Watching Remus all over, not shying away from the mediocre parts, nor the cursed parts.

Sirius raised himself up, abdominals rippling. Eye-contact, then a flutter of long black lashes as plush lips met Remus’s hurt, purpling nipple. 

Remus began to move, a guttural ‘oh’ with every fall, a shuddering intake of breath with every rise. Hands on Sirius’s broad shoulders, the ones that carried him. Sirius’s hands on his hips, petting the damned scar. Sirius’s mouth on his nipple, kitten licks, pecks, all lovingly tender. Smooth, slick, and Remus’s prostate was finally getting it. Over and over, and he was running across the bridge, swerving. One hand tickling its way up Remus’s prominent ribs. Chest. A suck and a pinch and Remus threw himself over, taking Sirius with him this time, both in free fall, hugging tightly and coming so, so hard.

Afterwards, Remus was barely aware of his body relaxing into the mattress. It wasn’t the bad type of dissociation; it was all good this time. Body and mind relaxing together, mind going over the good words it had heard today, body opening back up, legs splaying, letting Sirius use his mouth all over and especially where he needed to be cleaned up. Tended to. Soothed.

“May I spell the bruising away?”

Remus shook his head slowly. Too soon. Opened unfocused eyes.

“Right,” Sirius said sadly, “Lily’s potion experiment it is. Didn’t she say it’s mostly muggle? Like avoe lera or something, mixed with murtlap essence?”

Remus grunted in the affirmative. Lily supplied them with dittany and murtlap elixir and occasionally with some concoction of her own, all to be used in the aftermath of the full moon. Remus rarely hurt himself properly during the full moon nowadays, though.

“Accio Lily’s potion!”

Sirius opened the lid of the small jar that had flown into his hand. Then he barked out a laugh.

“It’s bright green, same fucking colour as Lily’s eyes. This will look spectacular.”

“Mmm,” Remus said. He didn’t really mind. Nobody else was going to see him, just Sirius. 

“Let’s see, I’ll put just a little bit on you first, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Soft finger stroking his thoroughly bruised nipple and the skin around it. Cool sensation taking the burning ache away. Immediate effect, and Remus wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He hadn’t wanted Sirius to use magic, because that would remove the pain immediately. Heal him and leave him with no reminder. He liked the reminder.

“How does it feel?”

“All gone,” Remus croaked. 

“Good,” Sirius muttered, not even trying to keep Remus from hearing. 

His other nipple was carefully covered in more of the stuff. Remus bent his neck to see properly. The crème was indeed bright green, but he was too exhausted to find it funny.

“How are you feeling?”

Remus pulled his lover down for a kiss, uncaring that the green stuff got on both their chests. Sirius’s mouth was the best thing there was. It was all he wanted to feel at the moment.

“PADFOOT!”

They both jumped and Sirius had his wand in hand so fast it might have been a magic trick, cursed nerves left over from the war Remus thought, but even though James’s voice was loud and desperate like in a traumatic past life, it was also exhilarated.

“Padfoot, will you stop bumming for one second, I need you! It’s happening!”

Sirius got up from the bed, flicking his wand as he went, and a little mirror came soaring out of a pile of clothes in the corner.

“Prongs.”

Sirius turned so that the mirror only showed him and the wall behind him. Remus didn’t bother to cover up, he was holding his breath, staring at his lover, wondering how he could sound so utterly calm. His hands weren’t even shaking.

“Mate, St Mungo’s, sharpish! Ward 5, Evelyn Roundbelly.”

“Calm your hooves, we’ll be there in two shakes.”

Sirius grinned broadly into the mirror and Remus watched him from the bed. Sirius’s athletic chest appeared to be covered in a fine gold dust, he realized, then he had to look down at his own. The green was all gone, as was the bruising on his chest. His nipples were so thickly coated in Lily’s potion that they looked as though they were made from gold now, but when Remus blew some air over himself the gold scattered like glitter, leaving just his freckled skin behind.

“Up we come!”

Remus yelped, suddenly lifted from bed and Sirius was running with him in his arms.

“Need to shower, can’t come meet the new baby smelling of your potent, virile spunk, now can we?”

Remus wanted to die from embarrassment, but instead he gasped, feet hitting the tiles, the showerhead spurting water over them before they had touched the taps, barely lukewarm at first and rather a shock to the system.

“Soap,” he spluttered, reaching down, Sirius catching him around the middle which turned out to be a good call when Remus’s feet made to slip on the wet tiles.

“Soap,” Sirius agreed, letting Remus squirt some onto his torso, taking some in his hands and beginning to soap Remus up. Quick and efficient. Remus endeavoured to do the same.

They were going to meet the baby. 

Sirius was smiling that smile again, eyes soft with love, and Remus felt it deeply, deeply in his heart.


End file.
